Saturday, November 14, 2015

A Tale of Two Toilets

     One of my favorite hobbies when visiting a new town is to get one of those "Maps of the Stars". Unfortunately this was Indianapolis, so I had to settle for the next best thing. Finding the best temporary restrooms that the hub of the Midwest had to offer. 

My quest now focused, I had to set up a game-plan on where to find the most outstanding human waste receptacles. The desk clerk at the La-Quinta, Darren (I made this up, he looked like a Darren though), mentioned a half marathon was being held the following day. Holy porta-potty Christmas! I rushed down to the race expo and promptly signed up for the half marathon. 

The biggest fear I had was that I would not be able to review the porta-johns in their pristine near mint condition. Come on you can't review fairly review one at Day 4 of Bonnaroo. To get my first choice I snuck up to the starting line and waited for the gun. I hid amongst the lead group of runners for 6 miles passing 6 mile mark in approximately 29:50. There it was. Just as I had imagined. Nestled in a row of identicals. 
My review follows.

Porta-Potty #1
Location: Pennsylvania & 21 st
Condition: 5, perfect logged service record, fully functioning spin lock
Neighborhood: 4.5 residential, admittedly a bit squeezed for space with approximately 15 others pressed together
Technology: 3.5, I reserve 4+ for ones that have a wind powered fan integrated into the windows
Odor: 4.5 , blue smelling
Availability: 3, the first two were occupied or permanently locked 
Recommend to others: a great representative to Indianapolis

Exiting the first stop I returned to running with a group of men who were running roughly 5:20 per mile, towards the next porta-john. Worried this group might delay my next review I allowed them run ahead of me starting from about the 8 mile mark. 

Porta-Potty #2
Location: Meridian & 30th st
Condition: 4, definitely more utilitarian than style oriented
Neighborhood: 4, classic mixed-use industrial just outside downtown neighborhood ripe for gentrification, only 2 other porta-johns shared this space
Technology: 3, basic clean good representation of the minimalist urban design theme
Odor: 5*, the asterisk is for the fact that it was pretty windy at this point and clearly played a role in this category, but maybe that's what the race organizers had in mind
Availability: 5, first try, no knocking or aggressive door pulls during my review
Recommend to others: a must for the adventurous voider

Finding myself about 3 miles to the finish of the event, I couldn't justify not finishing the event. I ran the obligatory final three miles as the official time clock read 1:11:something.  I can honestly say that Indianapolis was a surprisingly great review site. I would like to thank my sponsors Charmin and Indianapolis Metro Waste Systems for allowing me to pursue my goals, dreams and basic human needs. 
-Real Deal Neil McD