Friday, October 11, 2013

The Pikes Peak Road Runners Fall Series #1: How can you NOT get Giardia if you participate in this race?

On Sunday, October 6, 2013 a few Team Colorado members, and 370 of their closest running friends, took to the trail and creek in race #1 of the Pikes Peak Road Runners Fall Series.

The 5K (actually, 3.7 mile) race started in Monument Valley Park (Colorado Springs, CO--the #1 most affected city in the US by the Gov. shutdown--take note Boehner!) and our very own Simon "Gute" Gutierrez commentated the race, as he avoids anything technical and, besides, his Hokas would have drowned and taken him down with them in the polluted creek. 

IN A STRONG COMMENTATORS VOICE (not Gute's soft voice): 

HERE WE ARE AT THE 35TH ANNUAL PIKES PEAK ROAD RUNNERS FALL SERIES AND THE RUNNERS ARE LINED UP ON THE GRASSY KNOLL OF MONUMENT VALLEY PARK IN GOOD OL' BANKRUPT COLORADO SPRINGS. 

HERE WE GO... THE GUN...NAY...THE LOUD SCREAM "GO" IS CALLED OUT AND THEY ARE OFF!!! BALLS TO THE WALL! IT LOOKS LIKE A MILE RACE UP FRONT! TEAM COLORADO'S NEIL "BIG McD" McDONAGH AND JUSTIN "DON'T CALL ME RICK JUSTINS" RICKS TAKE THE RACE OUT FAST, LIKE A DOWNHILL MILE, LIKE A FRESHMAN MALE IN HIS FIRST HIGH SCHOOL CROSS COUNTRY RACE. 
Ricks (L) and Big McD (R) make a Bowman-sandwich out of Scott Boweman (C), with Dan "Brown" Vega (in blue), Andrew Hugill (florecent green) and Pikes Peak chasing                              photo: PikesPeakSports.us

THERE IS PETER "THE PREZ" MAKSIMOW--IS HE RACING AGAIN!?--AND AXEL NICHOLS SITTING IN 10TH AND 11TH. OH, THERE IS A GUY WITH..."BORN...TO..WHINE" ON HIS UNIFORM. NOT SURE WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT LET'S HOPE HE DOESN'T WHINE WHEN THEY HIT THE CREEK. THERE IS BRANDON "STANKANOWICH" STAPANOWICH...HE JUST COMPLETED PU: THE STANK, WHERE HE RAN UP AND DOWN PIKES PEAK FOUR TIMES IN 41 HOURS 47 MINUTES FOR A TOTAL OF 96 MILES ONLY ONE WEEK AGO!! LET'S HOPE HIS LEGS DON'T FALL OFF.
The Prez, Axel and one of the Hanson brothers can't keep up with the lead pack            photo: PikesPeakSports.us

THE RACERS HEAD NORTH, CROSS A BRIDGE OVER MONUMENT CREEK AND CONTINUE SOUTH. IT'S STRINGING OUT NOW! BIG McD IS INCHING AWAY FROM THE LEAD PACK, USING HIS 4:05 BRISTOL MILE SPEED. HE HITS THE FIRST MILE ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE CREEK IN ABOUT 4:50. WOW! IT'S LIKE WATCHING THE SUPERHERO THE FLASH, JUST WITH WITHOUT THE FULL BODY SUIT!

OK, JUST WASTING TIME NOW, ENJOYING THE WARM WEATHER. THAT CREEK LOOKS POLLUTED, YUCK! IT CLOSELY RESEMBLES THAT SCENE IN STAR WARS WHERE LUKE, HAN SOLO, CHEWBACCA AND PRINCESS LEIA GET TRAPPED IN THE GIANT TRASH COMPACTOR.
A very appropriate depiction of Monument Creek
"What an incredible smell you've discovered!"
                                                     -Han Solo

AND NOW BIG McD GRABS SOME WATER AT A STRANGE AID STATION...OR WHAT HE THINKS IS WATER...AND NOW HE THROWS THE CUP AND GESTICULATES SOMETHING TO THE EFFECT OF "THAT'S NOT WATER!" I BELIEVE HE NOW REALIZES IT WAS  A BEER STATION, COMPLIMENTS OF RED LEG BREWING COMPANY ON THE OVER-POPULATED GARDEN OF THE GODS ROAD.

AXEL IS NOW SLOWY MOVING UP AMONG THE FIELD AND GAINING ON RICKS, WHO IS HOLDING 4TH POSITION. DAN VEGA IS OFF THE SHOULDER OF THE PREZ IN 7TH AND 8TH POSITION, OHHHH, AND VEGA PULLS UP WITH WHAT APPEARS TO BE A PULLED HAMSTRING...THAT'S HEARTBREAKING! AND NOW THE PREZ HAS STOPPED...IS HE OUT...NO, JUST REFUELING AT THE BEER STATION--TYPICAL.

AS BIG McD ENTERS THE CREEK, IT LOOKS AS THOUGH HE JUST HIT A BRICK WALL! NOW OTHER RUNNERS ARE TAKING THE PLUNGE, LITERALLY. AND DOWN GOES RICKS!!!! OH, NOOOOO, IT LOOKS LIKE HE JUST SEVERED HIS THUMB ON A RUSTY PIECE OF REBAR IN THE CREEK...HE BETTER GET A TENTNUS SHOT...AND A GIARDIA, SYPHILIS AND GONORRHEA SHOT, JUST IN CASE. YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE. THAT LOOKS BAD! 
Axel goes for a swim...just balls deep, though                              photo: PikesPeakSports.us

AXEL!!! IT'S AXEL TAKING THE LEAD AFTER BEING IN THE WATER FOR ONLY A MINUTE! HE IS LIKE A PIRANHA OR A RABID JAWS! THE WATER HAS CHANGED THE WHOLE DYNAMIC OF THE RACE! NOW THE PREZ IS MOVING INTO 3RD, NOW 2ND, NOW BACK TO 3RD, NOW 4TH, 3RD AGAIN...THAT STOP AT THE BEER STATION MUST REALLY HAVE WORKED! 


IT'S CHAOS, HEADS BOBBING THEN DISAPPEARING INTO THE WATER, SOME NECK DEEP...GROSS WATER, DID I MENTION THAT? ALL SORTS OF STYROFOAM, BROKEN GLASS AND SODA BOTTLES OF ALL BRANDS ARE ABUNDANT ON THE BANKS. WE KNOW THERE IS DEFINITELY REBAR IN THERE, PROBABLY A FINGER FLOATING AROUND SOMEWHERE. HYPODERMIC NEEDLES, PERHAPS!?
Big McD says, "Go ahead, take the lead, find the deep spots...you'll just fall into them"           photo: PikesPeakSports.us

AXEL IS THE FIRST ONE OUT OF THE WATER, THEN ONE OF THE HANSON BROTHERS, FOLLOWED BY THE PREZ, ANDREW HUGILL AND CARLOS RUIBAL...WHERE ARE THE REST OF TEAM COLORADO!? 

OH, WE SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED THIS...BRANDON STANKANOWICH HAS DECIDED TO DO ANOTHER DEATH-DEFYING STUNT--HE IS PERFORMING BURPEES IN THE CREEK! I UNDERSTAND THE STANK, BUT THIS IS TAKING IT TOO FAR. THAT'S A BOLD MOVE! HE BETTER GO TO THE CLINIC WITH JUSTIN AND GET A FEW VACCINATIONS.
Stankanowich, pushing the boundaries...burpees in the creek...yuck!             photo: PikesPeakSports.us

NOW IT SEEMS THAT EVERYONE IS DANCING, THROWING THEIR HANDS UP IN THE AIR...AND RAISING THE ROOF...LIKE THEY JUST DON'T CARE...UHHH, NA NAHH NA NAHHHHH!

The Prez raisin' the roof!                                               photo: PikesPeakSports.us







Yes, that is blood from a missing finger and not a red satin glove on his hand....RAISE THE ROOF!                         photo: PikesPeakSports.us
Big McD sings, "I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky...." as he dances through the creek             photo: PikesPeakSports.us



Amy "Chef l'√©quipe" Perez dances the Saturday Night Fever in solidarity with Team Colorado                       photo: PikesPeakSports.us

NOW THEY HAVE LESS THAN A MILE TO GO, BUT I CAN'T SEE THEM SO I WILL JUST TWIDDLE MY THUMBS AND WAIT AT THE FINISH LINE. 


Later...at the finish line...

IT LOOKS LIKE AXEL NICHOLS WILL TAKE THE WIN IN 24:21, FOLLOWED BY PETER "THE PREZ" MAKSIMOW IN 3RD IN 25:01. RICKS AND BIG McD MAKE UP SOME TIME AND FINISH 6TH AND 7TH IN 26:01 AND 26:03. AFTER COMPLETING HIS 30 BURPEES, STANKANOWICH COMES IN AT 29:48. JUSTIN RICKS WINS THE COVETED RED GLOVE AWARD BY ALMOST SEVERING A THUMB IN THE CREEK...DID I MENTION IT WAS GROSSLY POLLUTED!? 

SHOUT OUT TO TEAM "THE BLERCH": AMY, NORA, SARAH, BOBBI (NOT BROWN) AND A QUICK RECOVERY FOR DENISE RICKS, WHO GOT THE SHAFT (REBAR, THAT IS) THROUGH THE BOTTOM OF THE SHOE, AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO SUSTAINED INJURIES. I AM SORRY TO SAY THAT YOU ARE ALL NOW DISEASED. 

NOW YOU SEE WHY I DON'T DO THESE RACES!!??
Nice butt Big McD!                                                      photo: PikesPeakSports.us

Results

2 comments:

  1. Gute was subsequently suspended from race announcing after complaints were made about his reference to JUSTIN "DON'T CALL ME RICK JUSTINS" RICKS. Apparently, during the first mile, Gute said, "He's got that getting-away-from-the-cops speed!"

    http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/highschool-prep-rally/15-old-punished-quoting-gus-johnson-middle-school-172310438.html

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